


Regret

by m0rkl



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Typical Violence, Gen, Mentions of child sexual abuse, lots of sad things, mentions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:44:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m0rkl/pseuds/m0rkl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regret. That’s what he tells Johnny. It’s true; he regrets a lot of things.</p>
<p>        He could have helped, but he didn’t. And now, this regret just won’t let him die peacefully.<br/>___________</p>
<p>Kanda is a changed man. He wants to make up for his past mistakes.</p>
<p>Road just doesn't want her family to be slaughtered again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: His Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there~  
> It's me starting yet another fic while not updating my other series. Yay.

 

           Regret. That’s what he tells Johnny. It’s true; he regrets a lot of things. He regrets becoming such a bitter person. He regrets not allowing himself to smile or laugh or have the small semblance of childhood that Tiedoll had tried so hard to give him. Rather than accepting help, he hid his wounds expecting his heart and mind to heal as easily as his body did. But in those days he didn’t know any better. Hell, it wasn’t until he was laying there the sands of Mater, Alma crumbling in his arms, that he realized how wrong he had been. He regrets being so blinded by grief and hatred.

        Part of him wanted to regret loving Alma, but he didn’t. He can’t bring himself to regret that love, even though it had been the source of so much pain. Besides, that love wasn’t the same as it had been. His love for Alma had changed after his soul finally was set free. The unwavering flame, fed by hatred and fanned by pain, had finally cooled into something else—a stone statue with Alma’s face, smiling for the rest of eternity.

        And now, without the shadows of anger a grief, Kanda could see Allen. He could see the white haired man with his smiles, saccharine in hopes of keeping those around him afloat. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t noticed Allen’s false smiles before, but they only used to piss him off. Now they just clenched tightly around his heart, filling him with regret. Regret for not caring. Regret for staying silent. Regret for doing nothing but selfishly pissing off Allen just so he would stop making that ugly face of false cheer.  Regret for watching in silence as Allen shouldered burdens alone.

        He could have helped, but he didn’t. And now, this regret just won’t let him die peacefully.


	2. In Search

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you transjohnnygill for proof reading <3

 

He’s nursing a hangover, something he’s never had to deal with before. Laughing at his own mortality seems appropriate right now, but laughter was never really Kanda’s thing. It would probably just worsen his headache anyways.

Johnny is babbling away, cheerful as ever despite their circumstances. It reminds him of Alma in a way that would have hurt him before. Now, it gives him this strange warm buzz in his stomach, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. Luckily, he’ll never have to see Johnny go down the same dark road Alma did.

But then there’s Allen, a boy who was shit on by life over and over again. He doesn’t want him to go off the deep end. That’s his mission now. No matter the cost, he will prevent Allen Walker from becoming the monster the world seems to wants him to be.

He tunes back into Johnny’s excited voice, but before he can even catch what the man is saying, he hears someone whisper.

“Hey...” It’s faint, but it feels as though whoever is speaking is sitting right next to him. The voice is familiar and gives Kanda the feeling he should be on guard. “Hey! Kanda, it’s Road.” Immediately, he snaps his head up and puts a hand on mugen. Johnny yelps in surprise and starts to ask what’s wrong, but Kanda isn’t paying attention.

“Where the hell are you, bitch?” He snarls under his breath, just itching to cut the Noah to ribbons.

“Easy, samurai boy.” Now he can tell that Road is speaking to him telepathically. The proximity of the sound and slight echo give it away. “I don’t have the energy to materialize, but you need to listen to me.”

“Kanda? What’s wro—“ The exorcist puts ups hand to shush Johnny. It’s rude, but that isn’t important right now.

“I’m not looking to kill Allen, you know. In the past I’ve done some bad shit to you and your friends, but things are changing.” Kanda closes his eyes to let himself concentrate on Road’s words more. He doesn’t trust her, but he’ll at least listen. “The Earl is after Neah, not Allen, but the two are a packaged deal at the moment. Neah, however, doesn’t give two shits about what happens to Allen anymore. If he has his way, the exorcist you know will disappear.”

With gritted teeth, he replies with his thoughts. “So? What do you care?” Every part of him screams to attack, but there’s nothing for him to do right now.

“I won’t watch Neah slaughter my family again!” Despite the lack of actual change in volume, her voice is booming. “Even I don’t know what it is Neah is planning. But he wants vengeance and will stand for nothing less than a massacre.” By the end of the sentence, her voice is fading out. She sounds too tired and too human for Kanda to handle. “I can’t hold the connection much longer, but we’ll speak again, exorcist.”

“What the fuck are you trying to say?”

“I’m telling you: don’t let him slip away.” And the Noah is gone. Johnny is staring at Kanda, wide eyed and concerned. What does he tell the man? That a Noah was just in his head? That would only cause more problems.

“Oh! Do you have a hangover?” He asks suddenly, allowing Kanda to remain silent. Johnny grins before rummaging through his bag for something. After a few seconds, he pulls out a bottle of something that resembles ink. “You’ll feel better after drinking this! The science division’s new and improved Komu-vitamin DII!”

“Like hell I’m drinking some of your weird shit!” Kanda snaps, but Johnny is surprisingly persistent. They argue for a moment before knocks  the bottle away from his face and it goes rolling down the cobblestone. Johnny scrambles after it, leaving Kanda with the bags.

Everything soon dissolves into chaos. They’re chasing down Allen, who is dressed in a clown costume, somehow looking both comical and pathetic. But when they finally catch up with him, all humor is lost. Kanda gets a good look at the runaway exorcist and he can tell the boy is exhausted and losing hope. He looks like he’s dying, and the wound in his side isn’t helping the situation at all.

After finding an inn for the night, Kanda decides he needs air. He needs to think about that the Noah said to him before and he can’t think straight with Johnny chattering away to an unconscious, half dead beansprout. The night air is crisp and good for clearing his head, but he still doesn’t get what Road wanted from him or why she spoke to him of all people. He doesn’t understand, but he knows he has to. If he wants to lay his regrets to rest, he has to help the moyashi. There isn’t anything else left for him.

On his little walk, he runs into Howard Link. The man’s intentions aren’t clear to him, but he can’t imagine that they’re good. The refreshing night air has been spoiled, so he makes his way back..

Kanda’s almost to the door when he senses something is wrong. Its quiet. When he left, Johnny had still been talking to Allen and he doubted the man had fallen asleep that easily. As he stood in front of the door, he could feel an ominous presence. It was familiar in a sickening way.

He slammed open the door, mugen unsheathed and ready to kill. The blade found the pale throat of the formerly unconscious boy, whose eyes stared up at him with a hard, icy look. With a quick glance, Kanda spotted Johnny unconscious on his bed. Anger rose in him. He hated the Noah. He hated the bastard who did this. He hated the person who was trying to take away the people he had finally allowed into his heart.

“Fourteenth?” Kanda snarled, having to hold himself back from killing the bastard right then and there. Suddenly, the steely look in the silver eyes melts into one of shock and confusion. The coldness shrinks away and leaves behind the warm mercury he's accustomed to.

“K-kanda?!” The white haired man squawks, genuinely surprised by the blade at his throat. Still, the Japanese man isn’t entirely sure who he’s talking to so he doesn’t lower his guard yet. Who knows how well the Noah can act.

“Are you the fourteenth?”

“Wha-what? Kanda, no it’s me! I’m Allen!” He protests, too shaken to get himself to move away from the sword. The blade presses on his throat, not hard enough to pierce skin, but a single move could mean death. For a moment, Kanda’s promise to Allen lingers in the air, unspoken but understood.

"That’s a lie!”

“It’s not!”

“Then explain that!” Jerking his head towards Johnny, he finally realized the bad state the man is in. The concern on Allen’s face is enough to convince Kanda that he’s telling the truth. No one else could look that much like a kicked puppy. He abandons his assault on the other exorcist and rushes over to Johnny. A sensation of fear and worry overtake his mind threatening to cause a breakdown, but he has to stay focused. Johnny needs his help. Since when was this curly haired man so important to him anyways? It doesn’t matter right now.

Kanda bites his wrist to draw blood, praying to whatever the hell is out there that it will be enough to keep Johnny from having any lasting damage. He has to be alright. Allen needs him. Hell, he will never admit it, but Kanda needs Johnny too. The scientist’s bright hopeful smile is about the only thing keeping him from slicing the solemn look right off Allen’s face.  Johnny’s optimism is all that’s holding them together right now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short. I've been bad about writing lately.
> 
> Enjoy!  
> ___________________________

        Johnny ends up okay. He’s got a headache, but as a former member of the Black Order science division, it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with before. But no matter how much time he insists that he’s fine, Allen won’t stop looking like he’s just brutally murdered half the world’s population. They end up having to handcuff him to Johnny so he won’t run away. He’s been trying to play the whole lonesome hero, but Kanda isn’t having it with any of his martyr complex bullshit. Johnny doesn’t like it either, but by nature he’s too gentle in his approach towards Allen. Kanda, on the other hand, knows that gentle isn’t going to work. If they’re going to get anything through Allen’s thick self deprecating skull, it's going to have to be harsh and jarring. He’s always known that and maybe that’s why he regrets not stepping in to help Allen sooner. Everyone else came at him with their gushy feelings and ‘we love you’s, but Kanda knows that the cursed boy rarely felt they were sincere.  

        Allen Walker can’t be coaxed into doing something. He has to be poked and prodded and pushed until he goes flying over the edge, guns blazing. He never eases into anything, he just has to dive in head first. Kanda can’t help but wonder if anyone at the Order really ever understood that.

        The trio sits on crates, offering a repair service just so they can have the money to stay another night at the inn. Out of the corner of his eye Kanda glances at Allen, whose face is drawn into an indescribable face of annoyance. But beyond that, he sees the dark circles under his eyes. A new sharpness to his face speaks of weight loss and he’s grown a bit since they last saw each other. He wonders if Allen is neglecting his health because he’s on the run, or if he’s doing it on purpose.

        Kanda is no stranger to self-destructive tendencies.

A sharp pain shoots through his arm. It doesn’t take much thinking for him to know what this is. To be honest, he hadn’t expected his innocence to start rejecting him this soon. But, if he's going to fall, he will make sure he has nothing left to regret.

        What happens next is a bit of a blurr. Johnny and Allen ran off to do a repair. A man wanted to buy the watch. Timcampy. He's fighting with a man who gives off a familiar feeling, but knows he's never seen him before. His head hurts. 'Don't touch my head so easily.'

        And suddenly he's on the ground, unsure of exactly how he got there. Last he knew, he was on his way back to the Order. They had parted ways after Kanda was finally able to convey everything he wanted to say to Allen. Was he able to say it all? He isn't satisfied.

        He has a headache and there's the feeling of something out of place. This is wrong. Something is wrong. It all buzzes in his head and he swears he can hear a faint voice in the back his head. Maybe he's going crazy.

        The only reason he wants to return to the Order is because--

        Why? He doesn't know. There's a gap and it’s infuriating.

        Suddenly his head pounds and nearly cracks his head on the pavement as he falls. It hurts. It hurts so much that he can't think. The pain is blinding and eerily familiar, but he can feel his healing factor activate.  Someone is calling out to him. They‘re distant and near impossible to hear while Kanda is completely frozen in agony. He wants to scream. The voice grows louder and louder until he can hear someone saying his name.

        “Kanda! Damn that Apocryphos!” Road hisses. Her voice is so young and high, yet still sounds like the growl of a cornered animal. Kanda tries to focus on the sound of wild anger and painful hope in her words. “You have to remember, Kanda! Fight him! You have to go after Allen."

        That man. Innocence. Apocryphos.

        The pain in his head dissipates as the memories fall back into place. There are no gaps. He didn't leave them. He didn’t get to say anything.

        "There's Kanda's golem!" He hears someone shout, but by the time they make it around the corner, Kanda's on the roof, watching finders gather noisily around his golem. They try to get the device to locate it's owner, but it goes zipping out of the alley and down the street. It's only after the Order members have gone after it that he realizes he left mugen behind.

       

        He snorts to himself as he imagines how Tiedoll would react to how much he's changed. Tiedoll. And then the General himself is standing in the alley, looking down at something. That's right. Timcampy is down there. Kanda tries to look for the small gold golem, but all he can see it’s a blackened orb. Somehow, he knows it's Tim.

        He watches Tiedoll pick up the golem and something else he can't see. Timcampy shatters in his hands and he wonders how Allen will respond. With anger? With grief? Or will he put on that porcelain smile that Kanda will want to punch right off.

        Tiedoll stands, pocketing what's left of Timcampy and turns to exit the alleyway. Just before he does, the General stops and turns his head to look right at Kanda. He smiles then walks away.

        Kanda feels guilty for not letting the man know how grateful he is. On the rooftop, overlooking the streets, he feels oddly free. Would he have felt like this if he had never gone after Allen? He doesn't know, nor does he care. This is the path he's chosen.

 

In the distance, there’s suddenly the unmistakable sound of battle. Something is smashing into a building and causing the ground to rumble slightly. He makes his way towards it. If his track record is anything to go off of Kanda bet he’ll find Allen there.

        For a moment, he wonders why Road isn't talking to him, but he stops and reminds himself that she is not his ally. She's a Noah. But there's more to going on than he will even know. He's aware that this war isn't just the Order against the Earl. It's never been that simple. But he's not sure if he wants to get tangled up in the mess of good vs. evil when everything is really just gray.

               It's all gray.

                He's not here for the war anymore. Everything he wants now is for his own selfish reasons. He just wants to put everything to rest so he can die in peace.

 


	4. Look Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd wait until after today's episode of Hallow to air cuz we're all in pain and y'know why not

           “Kanda!” Road’s voice ricochets off the walls of his mind like a migraine. If she were corporeal right now, he would punch her in the face. He doesn’t respond as he dashes across the rooftops. By the time he finds Allen, he’s holding the face of a man Kanda doesn’t recognize. “It’s the Earl.” Road supplies and the exorcist realizes that it isn’t Allen in control right now.

           Stop his place on the roof, Kanda watches in silence. He isn’t sure how to play this. Mugen isn’t at its usual place on his hip so he can’t really attack. Even if he did have his sword, an attack on his own would be futile. He knows that even he couldn’t take the Earl on alone, not to mention the 14th, whose abilities are still a mystery. He’s reckless, but not stupid. And now without his full healing abilities, he can’t be quite as reckless as before.

           The 14th’s speaks to the Earl in a low, but joyful voice. It’s too quiet for Kanda to hear, but he can’t get any closer without being realized. Then, he spots Johnny a little ways away. The sight of him unconscious on the ground sparks panic in Kanda’s chest. He drops down from the building and silently makes his way to Johnny. The Noah are far too absorbed in their own conversation to notice him drop down next to the man. 

           Johnny is alive and breathing. That’s all Kanda needs to steady his heartbeat for the moment, but he knows he needs to get the scientist out of here. The battlefield is no place for this man. With Johnny in his arms, Kanda looks up to see Howard Link tucked into the shadows. They lock eyes for a moment, hatred burning in Kanda’s eyes while the blond man’s are flat and unfeeling. He has to be for this mission. Kanda understands that, even if he doesn’t like it.

           More carefully this time, Kanda scales a building and sets Johnny against a wall. His head injury from before doesn’t appear to be aggravated and there are no indications of further injuries. He’s just knocked out and perhaps a bit exhausted. Below him, Kanda can hear screams and shouts. People are dying. Only a few minutes later, a body comes crashing down on the rooftop, followed closely by Link. 

           “I’ve subdued the Earl, but it won’t hold for long.” Link releases the talisman binding Allen’s body as he speaks to Kanda. “We need to get as far as--” Wide silver eyes are staring at the blond man, but something’s off. Kanda can tell. 

           “Link?” He says in a small, uncertain voice. “Is it really you? You’re alive?”

           “Don’t even try, 14th.” Kanda snarls, stepping up to the white haired man who is cowering uncharacteristically. He’s a good actor, but the crying is too much. Link crouches down to inspect the wound on the man’s shoulder. Does he realize that this isn’t Allen? He has to know. Kanda thinks.

           “It missed any vital organs, but you’re still losing a lot of blood.” The CROW says in a voice far too calm for what’s going on here. And then Kanda see’s Link’s hand. He knows those marking mean. His blood runs cold as Link summons the healing golem. 

           “You… atuuda.” It’s all Kanda can say as he watches that familiar magic heal the wound. Link isn’t even paying attention to him. He's too focused on the white haired young man before him. 

           “They’re coming!” Road’s voice startles him and though he can’t see anyone else around, he doesn’t doubt there are Noah hot of their trail. “Take Neah and run! You can’t let them have him!” Without explanation, he kicks the 14th in the back of the head hard enough to knock him out, the throws him over his shoulder. Link looks at though he might murder him.

           “Protect Johnny!” He barks, unaffected by the man’s death glare. They both sense the dark presence approaching. “There are Noah coming. Shake them off then come find me.” The blonde starts to protest but Kanda is faster than he expected and Link is left behind to deal with the Noah that had just appeared. 

           The situation is somewhat foreign to Kanda. Usually he’s the one to stay behind and fight, but now he’s running and leaving that to someone else. The body on his shoulder is too light and too heavy at the same time. They reach the edge of town where the crowded streets become desolate roads leading towards the forest. Once they’re deep enough into the trees, Kanda sets the Allen’s body down and glares at it. He doesn’t want to call this person Allen if it isn’t the beansprout himself who’s there.

           “You have to go inside his mind and find him.” Kanda’s head snaps up, but it's so unsatisfying to see only the forest around him.

           “What? Me? Are you fucking stupid?” He wishes she were here just so he could glare at something other than a tree. “Isn’t invading people’s heads your thing?”

           "Something is keeping me from breaking through. Whatever it is, is deflecting dark matter. It has to be you." He can't see her, but he can feel Road's anger and sorrow in waves. It's obvious that she would be doing this herself if she could. There’s the slow burn of uncertainty in his gut, but he understands her frustration. Kanda doesn't know when he started letting himself empathize like this.

           “And if they find us? What then?” If Link failed and the Noah caught up to them, they're good as dead. Well, he and Allen were. Who knows what the 14th would do. "I'm not leave us out in the open!" He regrets leaving his katana on the side of the road. 

           “Fine then! Let Allen dissolve into nothing!” She spits with acid in her voice. “The longer we wait the more Neah’s memories erode him. We’re running out of time! Allen is running out of time!” 

           “Fuck! Okay, how do I do this then?” Link should be here soon. It seemed to Kanda that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t shake the suspicious man man. He could protect them... if he intended to at least. It was unclear where his loyalties lied. He hated the idea of leaving his and Allen’s safety in someone else’s hands. Link had Johnny too. Kanda never thought he would care enough about anybody to be put in this situation. Not after Alma. Yet here he was, anxious to make sure Johnny and Allen got out of this more or less in one piece.

           "I don't know where he'll be within his memories and I can't guarantee any sort of order to it. Just find him. You'll know when you have." Without warning, Kanda is jolted forward into the darkness before he can say anything. He feels like he's falling, but there's no wind in his hair and he doesn't seem like he's going anywhere. Suddenly, green takes over the darkness and sunlight floods the landscape. 

           A familiar dramatic sigh comes from behind him and Kanda turns to see an eleven or twelve years old Allen Walker, chasing after Timcampy, who is about the size of the boy's head. He's dressed in his classic white dress shirt and black pants, but they're almost worn down to the threads. The child runs past Kanda, unaware of the man invading his head. 

           "C'mon Tim! Give it to me!" Allen sounds not only younger, but lighter too. There isn't the heaviness of war and strife on his chest yet. He realizes now that they're in a park, but he doesn't recognize the country. There are trees and lamp posts scattered about. It looks peaceful. He watches Allen chase Tim until the golem settles on a table with a stone bench. The white haired boy sits on his legs and holds a hand out to the golem. "Now, give it here, Tim." The golden creature gives him a small grumble but nothing more. Allen huffs, blowing his bangs off his forehead. "Master said, if I want to be of any use, I have to train my hand to move properly. And to do that I need the deck! Please?" His gray eyes widen in a way that should be illegal. He then frowns dramatically, creating the most pathetic puppy dog look Kanda has ever seen. Timcampy makes a weird movement of distress then forcefully spits out a deck of cards. "Thank you, Timcampy!" Kanda wonders how the brat learned to be so manipulative. 

          Allen starts sorting the cards. He shuffles them and fans them out, and then he scoops up the deck as starts again. And again. And again. There seems to be a method to what he's doing, but Kanda can't seem to figure it out. After a while, Allen stops and rubs his innocence hand. Timcampy tilts in a questioning manner. 

           "It's nothing, just stretching it is all." The smile that Kanda despises appears of the young boy's face. Even in front of the stupid golem, Allen felt the need to put up walls. He wants to hit something, but he knows this is just a memory and he isn't part of this place. Nothing he does will change anything. It's all in the past. 

           Allen returns to shuffling and sorting and continues on until Kanda notices his hand shaking. It's just his gloved left hand. He drops the card and grasps his wrist in pain. Cradling his arms to his chest, Allen makes the smallest whimper. To Kanda, the scene is so mundane, yet it’s also lonely in a way he can't place his finger on. 

          "Sorry, Tim. It just hurts a bit." The boy grits his teeth and tries to rub the stiff hand again. "I'll keep going, I just... need a minute." As Allen looks up at Tim, Kanda can see darkness encroaching on the scene. His mouth moves soundlessly until he finally fades from Kanda's view.

           Just as quickly it left, color floods his vision again. There's a man in a clown costume. It's obnoxiously colored and looks like a child's messy finger painting as it drops to a pool around his ankles. The man is wearing only his boxers and an undershirt as he starts to remove the thick white make up from his face.

           "Oi," A small but gruff voice causes Kanda to turn around. Only now does he see the rest of the room he's standing in the center of. It's a small, dingy room that looks like it might be an inn. There is only one bed and on it is a scrawny child with rust colored hair. " 'Urry up, alright? M'hungry." Shock and confusion pass over Kanda's face as he realizes that this child has to be Allen. Then who is this clown? 

          "Yes, yes, Allen I know." He hums, taking a cloth to the bright red painted over his mouth. "It's time for your dinner." Again, the scene in mundane, Kanda thinks, but then he hears the boy growl something under his breath. 

          "M'not the damn dog." This child is nothing like that Allen he knows, but he's seen that look before. It's the pissed off expression Allen makes when Kanda antagonizes him.

          "Hm? I couldn't hear you?" The make up has been mostly removed from the man’s face, save for a few smudges of white and a bit of red near his mouth.

          "S'nothing, Mana." That name. He’s heard it before. Mana was Allen father, wasn’t he? 

          "Come on, Allen! You have to smile!" The way his grin pulled up the corners of his lips was almost comical, but it made a shiver run down Kanda's spin. He hates clowns.

          "I'm not Allen!" The boy finally shouts, his anger getting the better of him. "Allen was your stupid dog. Allen is dead! I'm not---." He trails off, looking at the ground with glassy eyes.

            "What?" Mana begins to laugh, but he suddenly looks blurry against the crisp memory. He flickers and suddenly a man younger than Kanda is in his place. "Don't be silly, Allen!" He flickers again and the forty some year old man is in his place again.

            "The fuck?" Kanda breathes, not sure of what just happened or who that was. The Allen sitting on the bed didn't seem to notice. Why did he say Allen was a dog? The memory becomes quiet, save for the sounds of movement and the clown’s soft humming.

            "Okay! Dinner time!" Cheers Mana after he finishes getting dressed. "Let's go!" He opens the door, but Allen clears his throat.

            "Shoes, Mana."

           "Oh! Right, I'm so forgetful." He kneels down to put on his worn brown shoes and smiles at the child. "What would I do without you, Allen?"

           "M'sorry I yelled at you." It's a surprisingly sincere sounding apology. The boy sounds too old for his age. "Y'aren't mad, are you?"

           "Mad?" Mana cocks his head and blinks at him. "What would I have to be mad about?" Allen shrugs and as Mana rises to his feet, he pats the boy's head. "Now, c'mon you said you were hungry, didn't you?" They close the door behind them and blackness surrounds Kanda again. He doesn't know what supposed to be doing. Of course, he knows he needs to find Allen, but Road gave him no instructions on how to do so.

            Instead of waiting on the next memory, Kanda runs forward in the darkness. At first, it feels like he isn’t traveling at all, but the next step sends him tumbling downwards until he lands inelegantly on his feel. He stumbles, then looks up.


	5. The Boy he Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter contains an alluded rape scene  
> there will be a line break before and after it if you want to skip that bit

 

            A moon appears above him. It’s a wavering white crescent that appears more like a child’s drawing than the real thing. It feels like he’s intruding on something, despite the fact that this whole time he has definitely been intruding on Allen’s mind. He looks below him to see his own reflection in black water, sketchy and white like the moon, but before he can even focus on his own image, it’s gone. And once again he’s thrown into a memory. Kanda’s head swirls. He’s confused and unsure of what he’s supposed to be doing. That feeling of helplessness rises in him followed shortly by anger. There’s nothing for him to do but watch the memories before him.

            It’s a hallway in the Order, back at the old HQ. Despite the lack of window’s Kanda can tell it’s night time. There’s a quietness that was never present during the daytime, when finders, exorcist and scientists would all be going about their daily routines. A grunt of pain breaks the stillness of the scene and Kanda turns to his left to see Allen leaned heavily against the wall. He’s hunched over, a hand clutched over his left eye. Harsh panting breaths escape from his mouth as he slides down the brick wall and sits on the floor. As he removes the hand from his face, Kanda can see the cursed eye activated, it’s red and black iris darting about. Then Allen grabs his head again, stifling a groan.

            “Stop it... please. I’m sorry.” It’s almost impossible to hear his whispered plea. Absently, Kanda wonders when this took place. There’s only a sliver of skin showing between his glove and sleeve, but the deep red of the first form of Allen’s innocence is clear to see. He’s crying silent, heavy tears and it’s obvious he’s in pain. How often did Allen deal with this? And why did his cursed eye hurt so badly anyways? Kanda can recall missions where they stayed places overnight. Allen would often offer to take the first watch. He assumed it was because of the boy’s idiotic martyr complex, but perhaps this was another reason. If the pain was keeping him up anyways, why bother to pretend to sleep? “I’m sorry.” He hears the boy whisper again. What is he sorry for?

            The hall fades into darkness and Kanda sighs. This isn’t getting him any closer to finding Allen and if anything it’s just twisting Kanda’s head around, pushing in emotions he didn’t know he could feel. The numb burn of regret grows stronger with each memory. He tells himself that seeing these memories changes nothing, but it’s a blatant lie. He hates the moyashi for screwing with his head, making his emotions more complicated than they had to be. Momentarily, he wonders if Allen felt this way when he was shown Kanda’s memories.

            “Get out!” The voice booms in the darkness before any of the scene appears. It’s echoed and far away like the memories doesn’t want to be found and when Kanda finally is able to see the memory, it’s slightly faded. A kitchen door swings open and a ball of brown and red comes tumbling out. “I said out, you demon brat!”

            The redheaded child lands heavily on his back, the dirt ground coating his already dirty shirt. His head jerks up to snarl at the woman who had just thrown him out. Kanda knows this child from a previous memory, but even if he hadn’t, those fiery silver eyes are so unmistakably ‘Allen’.

            “I wasn’t touchin’ nuthin’!” Shouts the boy, but the cook doesn’t seem to care.

            “I won’t let you an’ that disgustin’ arm o’yours sully my kitchen! Now, scram or I won’t be so kind as to feed you this week!” With a huff, the small boy goes running off and Kanda trails closely behind. He has short legs and as a result, doesn’t move very quickly, but Kanda can see bone thin ankles just above the pathetic excuse for shoes and wonders if a lack of nutrients has something to do with it as well. The boy drops down as he reaches a tree and unfolds something from his shirt. It’s a chunk of bread, barely the size of the boy’s fist and yet he stares at it as though it’s a feast. He takes a bite, chewing slowly on the stale bit of bread. As the swordsman maneuvers around the tree to see the child better, he can see tears prickling those silver eyes. All too quickly, the bread is gone and the boy is staring blankly up at the sky. His left arm hangs motionlessly at his side while his right reaches up slowly towards the sky.

* * *

             “Oi, Red.” The sound creates a ripple in the memory. The child tenses and the image wavers as a portly man approaches. Kanda’s skin prickles as the man’s scan the boy a bit too intently.

            “The fuck you want, Cosimo?” His outreached hand drops and lands on his too thin chest. A cautious look comes over his face, but its quickly covered by one of disgust.

            “Ain’t you supposed to be bringin’ dinner round, you lazy shit?” The man waves a dirty hand at him as though the boy is some insignificant pest.

            “Go fuck yerself.” The words are full of acid, but Kanda can see fear in those angry grey eyes.

            “You ungrateful little demon.” The word ‘demon’ booms like a thousand different voices at once, like he’s heard it a thousand times before. “I’ll show you what nameless freaks like you deserve.”

            The memory around him starts to pull away. Kanda expects the memory to end and bring in another, it doesn’t. Instead, it blurs into darkness, echoing sounds that move too quickly, fading in and out. It’s dark, but Kanda can hear the sounds of a struggle and skin hitting skin.

            "Usless shit. This is all you'll even be good for." The boy is gasping for breath.

            “You’re lucky anyone would touch you at all you dirty little hell spawn.” He's struggling to contain his cries.

           "Just pipe down will you? You might even learn to like it." The sounds of skin slapping again skin and a young child’s suppressed whimpers linger in the air.

            The man, Cosimo, continues growling words, demeaning and vile. It’s no wonder Allen’s mind seems to be trying to block this out. Digging his palm into his forehead, Kanda growls and wishes for something corporeal that he could punch. His whole body aches for something to do, but there’s nothing that will change the past and there’s nothing he can do to release this feeling of rage. It’s maddening.

            Kanda stands there stoically in the darkness, but anger is making him shake to his core. He hates this world. He hates it, he hates it and everything bit of pain it’s caused.

* * *

             There was a time when he believed the world outside the Order to be easy. To him, the world outside this war had seemed like a easy road. He had never been so arrogant to have thought it kind, but he regrets selfishly believing that life for Allen hadn’t been hellish. He isn’t sure how he’s going to be able to face Allen after this.

            The next memory appears slowly, each piece of the scene slowly appearing around him. Immediately, he knows what this memory will be of. Sand appears under his boots, but he can’t actually feel the soft ground underneath him. However, there’s a phantom sensation of sinking into the sand. After all, he was just here.

            “A long time ago,” Lala begins. She’s sitting in Guzol’s lap while Allen listens to her story on the ruined stairs. Just a little ways away, a younger Kanda lies unconscious with Allen’s exorcist coat folded under his head. “A human child cried in Mater.”

            The doll tells the story of an ugly little boy, prosecuted by humans. As she speaks, Kanda watches the darkness swirl behind Allen’s eyes. Tears well up, making his silver iris’ glassy and bright like diamonds. It occurs to Kanda that Allen isn’t affected just because he’s soft of heart. It’s because he too spent his entire life being rejected and persecuted for circumstances out of his control. He regrets being just like those people who condemned Allen on sight.

            Lala begs Allen to let her stay with Guzol until the end, but as soon as she does, the formerly unconscious Kanda shoots up to deny her. He remembers hearing only her request to stay with Guzol. For the entirely of the story, he had been out. He’s denying them the same peace that he and Alma got.

            Looking into his own eyes, all he can see is cold anger and naivety. Back then, he thought Allen was the naive one, thinking he was somehow superior for being bitter and jaded. Kanda knows now that they had both been naive. Allen appeared soft because despite all of the hardships he had face, the boy still believed others could be happy. He just didn’t want people to suffer the way he had.

            Guzol and Lala spent their last moments together in peace, even though without the innocence, Lala was nothing more than a doll. She was already gone, but Allen still felt it important to honor her request. His wish and Lala’s were the same. Kanda knew Allen sent them to Mater for this reason, but seeing it like this made his chest and throat tighten. He wants to shout at his younger self for being so selfish.

            Kanda wonders if he knew then what he knew now, if he would have tried as hard as Allen did to protect Lala and Guzol. The memory fades away likes wisps of smoke.


	6. A Field of Wheat

 

           For a while, it’s dark.

 

Kanda stands there in the empty space, but he knows something is here. In the blackness he can hear the shuffle of bodies and uneven breathing. There are a lot of people in here. The memory isn't clear. It pulls and shudders like it's trying to escape. Something tells him Allen's mind wants to block it, like one with the man named Cosimo. A feeling of fear rises in his stomach and he knows this one is going to be bad.

           Footsteps accompanied by voices approach. He can't tell how far they are with how distorted everything is. The door swings open and yellow light spills in. There are more shuffling sounds and panicked whimpers. They sound like children. The weak light gives just enough visibility for Kanda so see where he is standing. He's in the middle of a narrow hallway. On either side of him are bars. Grimy little limbs are visible in the shadows, moving sluggishly.

           Kanda swallows the bile that's rising in his throat. It burns his chest.

            The cages are filled with children. Everything is a little blurry and distorted. He can hardly see anything more than a few paces around him. But he can make out small, gaunt faces covered by dirty hair and human filth. Three people enter the room, but they appear as nothing more than dark shapes. Kanda doesn't know what to do. He stands still as the memory continues to play.

           "Freak show's what y'need one for, eh?" Kanda struggles to hear the words. It sounds like he's underwater, but if he concentrates, he can understand them well enough. "Think I got one that'll be jus' right then."

           "How much?" Another figure asks.

           "I'll let ya see this one first. He's worth quite a hefty sum, but he'll suit your needs quite well." He says, motioning for the third man to come forward. The last and tallest form of the walks with heavy steps two one of the cages and unlocks it. He spends a moment in there before he finds what he's looking for. "There we are."

           The tallest man pulls out what looks like a child’s corpse. He's entirely naked save for a rag wrapped around his left arm, but the filth coating the bone thin form leaves little skin exposed anyways. A mop of matted red hair shields his face until the man yanks the bangs out of the way to reveal unfocused grey eyes. Helplessness, Kanda decides, is the worst human emotion. At any other moment in his life, he's had some way to fight back or defy the situation, but not here. In these memories, there’s nothing he can do but watch.

            “Well? What’s so special about this one?” The buyer grunts at the child who is struggling to keep his emaciated body upright.

            “E’s one tha’s been chosen by god.” His voice is low and dramatic, like he’s telling a story about some fantastical beast. It sounds rehearsed. “This grotesque arm holds the crystal of god. But beware, the affected limb looks to be something of the devil.” With two fingers, he tears the rag off the child’s arm, holding the boy away like if he touches him, he’ll be cursed.

            “That’s disgusting. Where the hell did you pick this devil’s spawn up from?” The buyer leans close to the boy, refusing to touch the wrinkled red arm.

            “Does it matter?” He asks and he only gets a grunt in response. “So? Will he do?”

“It’s freakshow material alright. How much?” The rest becomes too warbled and distant for Kanda to understand. He doesn’t think he can stand to hear anymore anyways.

            The next memory comes in a flash. Everything is blindingly bright and blank until black lines start to fill the scenes, drawing a field of wheat. It’s all black and white, unlike the other memories he’s encountered thus far. Kanda turns around to see a tree being drawn in and a boy no older than ten sitting in its branches. This scene isn’t like the others.

            This memory doesn’t belong to Allen. The realization is sudden but clear. Everything about it feels different than any of what he’s seen before. It feels full of motion, but at the same time it too still, almost like a picture.

            The boy in the tree takes in a breath then lets it out slowly. He looks pensive, even with his eyes close. There’s something achingly familiar about him, but Kanda can’t say what. It isn’t Allen, that’s for certain, but he feels like he know’s this boy. A woman approaches with near silent steps.

            “What is the wind saying?”

            Her dark hair blows in the wind and she smiles at him. When he looks down at her, Kanda notices that there is something about his gaze that is so very not child-like. Perhaps that’s what’s familiar to him. There’s a look in Allen’s eyes that speaks of far more year than he has.

            “What’re you talking about?” He asks, sounding like proper nobility: gentle but haughty, nothing like the false gentlemanly tone Allen speaks in.

            “It looked like you were talking to it.” Taking a few steps forward, she touches a hand to the tree and speaks softly to it. “Hello, Cornelia.” The boy continues staring at her, but says nothing about her greetings to the tree. “Where’s Cyrus? Wasn’t he with you?”

            “Uncle is where that odd colored smoke is coming from.” They both look out into the field at the rising smoke. It appears to be a light color, but Kanda only sees gray. He has so many questions. Who are these people? Why is this memory in black and white? Whose memory is this? The answer is just beneath his skin, he knows it, but he doesn’t dare to admit it yet. It feels like he would be admitting to a truth that he’s not ready for quite yet. “Hey, mother? Is it true that weirdo is head of the Campbell family?”

            “Weirdness runs in the family.” Her laughter is light and airy. It reminds him just a little of Alma, the Alma of long ago, not the one born in a laboratory. “Look at you! You were just talking to the wind!” The boy looks like he’s about to protest, but he glances at his mother’s face and stops. His expression becomes more serious and he lowers his head.

            “Mother?”

            “Yeeesss?” It’s almost like she’s teasing him.

            “Will Mana ever become an adult?” Everything feels still all of the sudden. The movement of the wind seems to cease and Kanda feels uneasy. Who is Mana to this boy? A friend? A brother? “Bennet and the other’s said that Mana won’t ever wake up…. After all it’s been a month since--”

            “Neah.” She says. Kanda’s chest feels cold. That’s what Road had called the fourteenth. And he knew. He knew this memory belong to the fourteenth’s he just didn’t want to admit it. This memory of the fourteenth sorted in with Allen’s memories means that the Noah really has begun to take over the moyashi. Anger bubbles in his gut and he can hardly concentrate of the memory. Mana pops out from under the woman’s skirt and the two make a silly face at Neah as he jumps down from the tree.

          

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that last memories is directly out of the manga and its supposed to look like the manga too
> 
> ...things will be picking up plot wise very soon


	7. Barrier

 

            Kanda puts his hand to his forehead and grips his bangs. He hates this. He hates innocence and the Order and the Noah and this whole fucked up war. There’s no such thing as a ‘good’ war. There’s no good that comes out of it, only suffering and death. Without the war, Lenalee and Komui wouldn’t have been orphaned. Lenalee wouldn’t have been forced to fight. Dasiya would still be alive. Marie wouldn’t be blind. Who knows where Lavi would have been.  War brings to light the filthy truth of what humans are actually capable of. War results in beings like Kanda. If it weren’t for this war, he would have never been born.  All of of his suffering would never have happened.

            But watching Allen’s memories has maybe him realize that humans would be shit even without the war. He would have suffered even if this war had never started. His pain was only aggravated by this so-called Holy War. Kanda wonders if Allen was destined for tragedy regardless of his situation, just a pitiful, unlucky existence. For Allen, the war has caused him pain, but it also brought him small amounts of joy. It brought him to the Order where met people that he could call friends. Kanda recalls Allen telling him once, that he exists to destroy akuma and free their tormented souls. The war gave Allen a purpose. Kanda was made for the war, but he would not exist without it. Allen was thrust into the war, but was no one without it.

            ‘It’s all so fucked up.’ Kanda thinks as another memory materializes. Lenalee’s bright laughter fills his ears and he suddenly realizes how much he misses the girl. She was his first friend after Alma, of course. The memory is in the cafeteria of the newer HQ.

            “Shut up, baka moyashi!” He hears himself growl. This wasn’t very long ago. “I’ll do you a favor and cut that old man hair of yours!”

            “Aren’t you the old man here? You can’t even remember a two syllable name!” Lavi has Allen’s arms pulled back but the younger man is still up in Kanda’s face, shouting back at him. “Have you got Alzheimer's or something?” He doesn’t remember why they started fighting. Over the years, they had gotten into so many petty arguments it would be pointless to try and keep track of what caused them.

            A bittersweet feeling creeps up his throat and Kanda can only think to label it as nostalgia. It’s a foreign thing to him. The memory continues and Kanda let himself get lost in the sound of familiar bickering and laughter.

            But all too quickly, the memory falls away, leaving behind a dark landscape lit by a white moon and the glow off some spidery looking trees. His mood sours instantly in this place where it’s both dark and bright at the same time. It reminds him of the bright nights when the moonlight reflects off of pure white snow.

            “My, my, now what are you doing here?” Kanda jerks around to see a man about his age standing just a few paces away. Despite their close proximity, the man sounds as though he were behind a glass wall. The messy black hair and unmistakable gray-brown skin tone of a Noah make him think of Tyki, but he knows it’s not him. As the man’s gold eyes bore into him like some kind of predator, Kanda realizes this isn’t a memory.

            “Fourteenth.” He spits as his fists clench.

            “Not the most eloquent of the lot are you? That's about the only thing you've ever said to me. ” Smiling condescendingly, the Noah paces back and forth. It seemed that he couldn't get any closer and Kanda wonders if it was the same force keeping Road out. “Why don't you call me Neah, hm?”

            “Fuck you!” Kanda wished for mugen so he could slice this man to bits.

            “Ooh, so scary!” He mocked, gold eyes glittering like ice. “Please, you’ve got one foot in the grave, you silly little artificial human.” The exorcist flinched and glared daggers at him. “That’s right. I know all about you. I was there the whole time, remember? I’ve always been here, though I have to thank you for the rather jarring wake up call.”

            Rage was boiling in his veins. The Noah pushed his buttons in a completely different way than the moyashi. His anger towards Allen was more rooted in frustration than anything. Allen Walker was a liar, and that pissed Kanda off to no end, but he did it for stupid selfless reasons. He just wanted to keep people happy. Maybe that’s what pissed him off even more. But this Noah, this man who was destroying Allen’s life, enraged him in ways he couldn’t describe. He was arrogant and Kanda hated that more than anything.

            “So tell me, what do you even think you’re doing here?” Neah hummed, his eyes never leaving the exorcist before him. “If you’re here to try and save Allen, you’re too late.”

            “You’re lying.”

            “Now why would you say that?” He makes a face like he’s offended.

            “Shut the fuck up! I’ll fucking kill you!” Kanda dives towards Neah, the rage that’s been building up pours out. His fist slams against the invisible barrier between them, forming cracks that disappear just as quickly as they appeared. The Noah doesn’t even flinch.

            “You’re a pretty face, I’ll give you that.” Neah laughs and Kanda feels like he might be on fire with how angry he is. “Exorcists… you think you’re all that. You think you’re so powerful, but you’re nothing more than pawns in this war. I could kill you before you even touched me.”

            “Yeah? Then why am I still here?”

            A sharp breath slips out of the Noah before he starts fucking giggling. Kanda wishes he could throttle him. “Why are you still here?” He asks rhetorically, still giggling like someone told him a morbid joke. “God, you really are that stupid aren’t you? By being here, you’re going to get eroded too, just like dear little Allen.” In an attempt to compose himself, Neah runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I mean, you don’t know how to get out of here, I’m sure. So as my presence scrapes away at Allen’s existence, yours will disappear with it.”

            Kanda grinds his teeth and suppresses the urge to scream. He can’t touch Neah, there’s nothing to destroy, there’s nothing he can do. But nothing the Noah says can convince him that this is over. It isn’t over until he says so. It isn’t over until he can rid himself of these regrets.

            He takes off running, leaving the 14th behind. Neah smirks as he watches the swordsman’s form disappear into the distance.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was short, sorry lol
> 
> I've got another fic that I'm gonna start posting soon so I've been working on that more than this one


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